"The Shitty Warrior"
Season 1, Episode 3
Episode: 3
Airdate: February 27, 2013
Writer(s): KM
Storyboards by: KM
Episode Guide
"Greasy Money"

"The Shitty Warrior" is the third episode of season one in the animated television series The Book of John. In the episode, John the Marksman runs into his homeless cousin of the streets, Jonah the Crackhead.


John the Marksman had realized he had run out of holy water, which he drinks to keep his genitals preserved and sturdy. However, on the way to the cathedral, John came across a longtime acquaintance of his, Chuck E. Cheese, owner of the CBS Network! However, his existence wasn't significant, so after John murdered Chuck, he came across an African American wearing a Ku Klux Klan cloak. It took him a minute, but John finally realized that the man was a longtime acquaintance and relative of his, Jonah the Crackhead, who was homeless on the unsympathetic streets of Fort Pooda.

John then had a flashback regarding Jonah. No one knew who Jonah's parents were. In fact, people around town were self convinced that Jonah was Satan's spawn, when in actuality, Jonah was the spawn of a stereotypical African American female, but ain't nobody have time for that Jonah, so he was given away in an auction. Jonah lived a life of crime ever since, and first did some hard time when he was five. Jonah had taken a cookie from the cookie jar, and did eight minutes of timeout in the corner. A year later, Jonah was arrested for grand larceny and did 24 years in a federal penitentiary. That was the last time John had saw Jonah...

John, feeling sympathetic for him, decided to let Jonah stay with him until he got back on his feet. However, immediately after letting Jonah in, a mob of gangsters started shooting at John's apartment from the outside. John's guns were concealed furtively in the bathroom, and Jonah was in there clogging the toilet. John dashed to the bathroom and removed Jonah from the toilet seat, who was in the process of pooping, which ultimately led to Jonah shitting all over John's floor. John grabbed his rifle but slipped on a piece of shit, coincidentally getting shit all over him. Thus, the shitty warrior began to defend his position with his fortified and perilous cousin.

Eventually, the mobsters began to withdraw and leave. Following a laconic questioning, John was informed that Jonah owed money to the Pig Men Mafia due to his gambling issues. John then subsequently shot Jonah in his leg for lying to him, and bought him a ticket to Jiggazas City where he would be safe from the Pig Men Mafia. However, naively John had infuriated the Pig Men Mafia, who were associated with powerful friends, such as the Trolls. John had unknowingly become a dead man.